When I was a teenager and young adult I engaged in a lot of self-destructive behavior. These behaviors were fulfilling a need I had to keep my mind occupied. If my brain was not being stimulated continuously, I would seek out things to fill that desire.
Some of the things I did were not just bad ideas. They were life threatening or illegal. I was spinning out of control.
The destructive decisions I made during this time caused pain to myself and everyone around me. Some of these behaviors prompted my parents to seek a mental illness diagnosis for me. Finding a diagnosis was a long and winding road for both me and my family.
Finding the correct diagnoses were just a part of the puzzle. Knowing I have depression, anxiety, ADD and PTSD are just keys to finding ways to unlock my neurological differences.
Making changes to my behavior took a lot of hard work. This work would not have been worth the effort if the results did not make me feel more in control.
Destructive behavior became addictive to me. I would recognize these addictive behaviors and try to eliminate them from my life. One problem would replace another each time.
As I got older I began replacing bad habits with good ones that were just as time-consuming. I replaced smoking with crochet. I replaced drinking with dog rescue. Binge eating with parenting small children. I did this over and over until my life was no longer on a destructive path but still anything but easy.
Even though my life was good and successful it was still chaotic and hard to manage.
Thriving in Chaos
Sometime in my mid-twenties, I had a psychiatrist that told me something that changed the way I looked at my behavior. He told me I had imprinted in chaos and that was how I function best.
That was life changing information.
I was hard wired to live in the center of a storm. That storm is my own creation and is neither good or bad. It is just how I function best.
Be the Storm
If you feel like things are always out of control in your life, maybe you have a need for chaos, too. Find ways to channel that energy into productive change.
Few things in nature can change the world as quickly or as drastically as a storm can. Be the storm.
Watch My Video on Thriving in Chaos: